Saturday, January 29, 2005

total system failure

well, kiddies, its a been a long time, but i'm back. so, buckle your safety belts and hold on because i've got a little bit to report.
when i last posted i was in rochester visiting my parents. it was an interesting experience, the ups and downs of which i've already reported. one thing that i thought was especially interesting about the whole endeavor is the fact that while i was in rochester, the city had some of the nicest weather its had all season. the day i left it was 62 degrees out. the day after i left, it was 15 degrees out and now they have dumped on by like 700 inches of snow. while i was in rochester, san diego was dealing with some of the most rain its ever dealt with...i think it was something like 700 inches of rain, coincidentally.
from this odd weather pattern i can derive two theories. one, that i am truly blessed, and god looks on me with favor. since this seems to be a bit to religious for me, i will move on to theory number two. i am actually a magnet for good weather. that's right, i caused the massive change in the air currents, causing rochester to experience unseasonably warm weather, and san diego to get hit with unseasonably wet weather. however, since this theory is a bit self-centered, i think i'll just take the stance of the introspective philosopher and say that i have transcended trying to find meaning in the weather pattern because the existentialist in me points out that there's no point to anything anyway.
case in point, currently i am part of the working class. i have recently accepted a position with the olive garden as a "food expert" (in non-olive gardon jargon...a common, everyday waiter). i've waited tables before, it really isn't complicated, but for some reason, the "100% genuine italian dining experience" isn't coming all that naturally to me. i thought that being a genuine italian might give me the upper hand, but as it turns out, the two american's who own the company that own the olive garden, understand italians much better than i do. see, apparently, italians have everything down to a science, but are so good at making it look natural, that i have to learn how to do everything in the OG handbook within the specified guidelines and timeframes or i will have failed as a food expert and delivered a mere 50% genuine italian dining experience.
only in american would you be instructed to greet a customer within 30 seconds, gauge their time constraints within 45 seconds and bring their drinks to them within 2 minutes. you know what else american's do? they screw up everything and make it stupid. for example, the olive garden serves a drink called the tuscan breeze. it is comprised of vodka (very italian), pineapple schnapps, tangerine and bananna liqeur and orange juice. tuscany is known for its wine, and essentially nothing else. there are no pineapples or banannas, and i'm pretty sure there aren't any tangerines, yet this drink shares its name with tuscany. also, they've turned a macchiato (a shot of espresso with a dollop of milk foam) into a carmel hazelnut macchiato which is a cup of regular old coffee, carmel, hazelnut and almond syrups topped with whipped cream. its kinda funny because ITS FUCKING STUPID.
america is stupid, olive garden is stupid and everything is stupid.
that's how i feel right now.
i wish that training didn't make me want to hurt myself. hopefully it won't be so bad once i'm just a server and i don't have to keep learning stupid things (incidentally, every time i typed stupid, including this time, for the past 5 lines, i accidentally wrote stuipd, so i guess that makes me stupid too).
goddammit, and tomorrow i have to take a written test which will evaluate my knowledge of all of the extensive menu items that the OG has to offer.
kill me.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

along came polly

so, the thing about being home, is that i'm sitting here, watching a bunch of crappy tv. since my parents have hbo, i've been exposed to "along came polly" not once, but twice today. now, i didn't do this on purpose, but as a result i've come to certain conclusions regarding ben stiller and jennifer anniston.
ok, first off, i would have never suspected that a movie that has both jennifer anniston and that bitch from will and grace in it would have any sort of credibility. but, to top it off the movie also has alec baldwin in it, and he's playing a role that i'm sure is modeled after a role that he played on saturday night live several years ago. no, this movie seems to have been doomed for failure from its conception, but somehow, some shred of comedy has managed to eek through.
the problem, however, is that ben stiller, and jennifer anniston are playing the same roles they have always played. ben is an excessively paranoid, worries about everything man who's attractive and sweet, but utterly inept and somehow manages to get himself into the most unbelievable, painful, excrutiatingly complicated situations, and somehow in the end manages to get the girl. jennifer on the other hand (incidentally, lets all have a moment of silence for brad and jennifer...can you believe they broke up?!?) is a non-committal, flighty, can't get her shit together kind of girl. these roles remind me of something...something i've seen before. oh wait...i know what it is, its because ben stiller has played this role in there's something about mary, meet the parents and meet the fockers and jennifer anniston has been america's dimwitted, friend, for a billion years. its almost like they were made for these roles, or like they don't know how to play any other roles.
either way, this movie was pure comedic genius. did i mention that hank azaria was in it too. he plays the scuba instructor that ben stiller's wife screws on their honeymoon, and reappears in the end when ben and jen have gotten their lives together.
truly heartwarming.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

church

so, its 11:30 on the east coast, and i find myself awake and unhappy. first off, i'm awake, and if you know me at all, awake is not my most natural state, specifically if its during daylight hours. secondly, i just got back from church, which has given me renewed insight into why a spiritual life has eluded me for so long.
really all that has happened is that i've been made more acutely aware of the dissatisfaction i have for church and organized religion in general. there are so many things that piss me off about church, that i don't really know where to start. so, i'll just start at the beginning of the mass.
the morning began as one of the parishoners called the congregation to attention. just sort of a polite, "hey everyone, time to pay attention cuz god's on his way in" kinda thing. of course, this isn't so bad, but what drove me nuts was that it was promptly followed with "we ask that everyone turn off any pagers and cell phones so as to create a more prayerful environment." i felt like i was in a movie theater, which isn't so off the mark, as i usually feel like the masses i attended are a sad attempt at an off-broadway production. more on that later, but let me get to the point about the cell phone. i turned to my mom and asked if that announcement was really necessary. much to my disgust, she informed me that someone at a previous mass walked up to the altar to receive communion, cell phone in hand, and had to ask the person on the other end of this obviously very important call to "hold on a sec" while they were given the body of christ.
i love shit like this. it absolutely amazes me that there are people out there that still don't understand that talking on your cell phone all the damn time is rude, obnoxious, tasteless and altogether stupid. my church is in webster, new york. there is absolutely no one so important in this small suburb that they need to be on their cell phone during the mass. once again, we must cater to the lowest common denominator in order to preserve a spiritual environment for those of us who are not stupid. "please turn off your cell phone in church" is tantamount to "do not drink the windex" or, "be careful dumbass, this coffee is motherfucking hot."
so, there was all that business about cell phones, and the rest of the mass didn't really put the joy down in my heart. my church sings everything. we sing before every scripture reading, after every scripture reading and we even sing the our father. while to some this might sound like fun, it just bothers me. as stated earlier, church is becoming more an off-broadway production and less an hour of spirituality.
"welcome to the st. paul's church variety hour with your host, that cooky, crazy pittsburgh steeler-lovin priest...faaaaather staaaaaan. "
"thanks everyone, thanks for being here today. we've got some really great readings to go through today and we've got a very special guest homilist, a priest from another congregation who is going to talk to you about the same stuff i would say, but he's a different person!!! so lets go ahead and get things started, but first, how about a round of applause for our band, the st. paul's choir as lead by paul schaffer."
maybe i'm just too cynical, but the congregation looked like a group of cattle, herded into the church for one hour and then set free to graze for the rest of the week. people mumble amen, recite when they have to, and i'm sure that none of them even really know what they're saying. i mean, why go to church if it doesn't mean anything to you?
anyway, i suppose this is part of the reason i want to get into philosophy of religion. part of me is fascinated by blind faith and why people would allow themselves to be led, and misled by an authority figure that they don't understand.
when i figure it out, i'll let you know.


Friday, January 07, 2005

you can never go

here i am again, back in rochester. things really went off quite nicely. my parents were absolutely shocked to see me. i'm glad to find out that my grandfather can keep a secret. my mother's face was priceless, and my dad was without words, so it was really cool walking through the door and seeing my parents again. its good to be home, but i feel different.
i don't know if i'm just physically exhausted, or if my body is trying to cope with the radical climate change i'm exposing it to right now, but in general things don't seem quite right. in one breath i can easily say that it feels like i never left, but so many things are different about me right now, that home doesn't really seem like home. its been quite a while since i've actually considered this place home, so it makes sense, but there's still a feeling of familiarity about the whole thing that's almost disheartening. my mom seems smaller, my dad seems stronger and my brother seems taller. everything is just slightly different is all.
for example, i can still just as easily go outside for a cigarette, sneak inside and up the stairs without making a noise, despite the eager moans lurking in the stairs, but the carpet seems thinner, and the light switches fit in my hands differently. its home, but its the home of my youth and part of me has outgrown this house.
i've lived in my own place, had my own light switches to flip and stairs to climb. simply put, i've had my own life and my own little family that right now i feel a distinct lack of. i miss suzanne, but not just her presence. i miss knowing where she is and what she's doing. standing outside i tried to think of what she was going through back in vista at 11 at night. chances are she was in our bed reading in an effort to avoid the mindless sit-com's that her mom would have her endure in the name of family togetherness.
my love, my heart goes out to you.
home isn't home anymore. home isn't even a place for me right now, its a feeling. its a feeling i get when i'm with her. its a feeling that i can't capture right now because i don't feel like this is my life anymore. this is my past, which is clearly a part of me, but it isn't what i've been investing myself in for the past 2 years. i think that's what i'm missing right now. its almost as if i've stumbled back in time with all the memories of what's happened and all the changes i've gone through.
i'm glad to be here for now, but i long to get back to that feeling.
cheesy finish, cue violin music, end of post.