total system failure
well, kiddies, its a been a long time, but i'm back. so, buckle your safety belts and hold on because i've got a little bit to report.
when i last posted i was in rochester visiting my parents. it was an interesting experience, the ups and downs of which i've already reported. one thing that i thought was especially interesting about the whole endeavor is the fact that while i was in rochester, the city had some of the nicest weather its had all season. the day i left it was 62 degrees out. the day after i left, it was 15 degrees out and now they have dumped on by like 700 inches of snow. while i was in rochester, san diego was dealing with some of the most rain its ever dealt with...i think it was something like 700 inches of rain, coincidentally.
from this odd weather pattern i can derive two theories. one, that i am truly blessed, and god looks on me with favor. since this seems to be a bit to religious for me, i will move on to theory number two. i am actually a magnet for good weather. that's right, i caused the massive change in the air currents, causing rochester to experience unseasonably warm weather, and san diego to get hit with unseasonably wet weather. however, since this theory is a bit self-centered, i think i'll just take the stance of the introspective philosopher and say that i have transcended trying to find meaning in the weather pattern because the existentialist in me points out that there's no point to anything anyway.
case in point, currently i am part of the working class. i have recently accepted a position with the olive garden as a "food expert" (in non-olive gardon jargon...a common, everyday waiter). i've waited tables before, it really isn't complicated, but for some reason, the "100% genuine italian dining experience" isn't coming all that naturally to me. i thought that being a genuine italian might give me the upper hand, but as it turns out, the two american's who own the company that own the olive garden, understand italians much better than i do. see, apparently, italians have everything down to a science, but are so good at making it look natural, that i have to learn how to do everything in the OG handbook within the specified guidelines and timeframes or i will have failed as a food expert and delivered a mere 50% genuine italian dining experience.
only in american would you be instructed to greet a customer within 30 seconds, gauge their time constraints within 45 seconds and bring their drinks to them within 2 minutes. you know what else american's do? they screw up everything and make it stupid. for example, the olive garden serves a drink called the tuscan breeze. it is comprised of vodka (very italian), pineapple schnapps, tangerine and bananna liqeur and orange juice. tuscany is known for its wine, and essentially nothing else. there are no pineapples or banannas, and i'm pretty sure there aren't any tangerines, yet this drink shares its name with tuscany. also, they've turned a macchiato (a shot of espresso with a dollop of milk foam) into a carmel hazelnut macchiato which is a cup of regular old coffee, carmel, hazelnut and almond syrups topped with whipped cream. its kinda funny because ITS FUCKING STUPID.
america is stupid, olive garden is stupid and everything is stupid.
that's how i feel right now.
i wish that training didn't make me want to hurt myself. hopefully it won't be so bad once i'm just a server and i don't have to keep learning stupid things (incidentally, every time i typed stupid, including this time, for the past 5 lines, i accidentally wrote stuipd, so i guess that makes me stupid too).
goddammit, and tomorrow i have to take a written test which will evaluate my knowledge of all of the extensive menu items that the OG has to offer.
kill me.
when i last posted i was in rochester visiting my parents. it was an interesting experience, the ups and downs of which i've already reported. one thing that i thought was especially interesting about the whole endeavor is the fact that while i was in rochester, the city had some of the nicest weather its had all season. the day i left it was 62 degrees out. the day after i left, it was 15 degrees out and now they have dumped on by like 700 inches of snow. while i was in rochester, san diego was dealing with some of the most rain its ever dealt with...i think it was something like 700 inches of rain, coincidentally.
from this odd weather pattern i can derive two theories. one, that i am truly blessed, and god looks on me with favor. since this seems to be a bit to religious for me, i will move on to theory number two. i am actually a magnet for good weather. that's right, i caused the massive change in the air currents, causing rochester to experience unseasonably warm weather, and san diego to get hit with unseasonably wet weather. however, since this theory is a bit self-centered, i think i'll just take the stance of the introspective philosopher and say that i have transcended trying to find meaning in the weather pattern because the existentialist in me points out that there's no point to anything anyway.
case in point, currently i am part of the working class. i have recently accepted a position with the olive garden as a "food expert" (in non-olive gardon jargon...a common, everyday waiter). i've waited tables before, it really isn't complicated, but for some reason, the "100% genuine italian dining experience" isn't coming all that naturally to me. i thought that being a genuine italian might give me the upper hand, but as it turns out, the two american's who own the company that own the olive garden, understand italians much better than i do. see, apparently, italians have everything down to a science, but are so good at making it look natural, that i have to learn how to do everything in the OG handbook within the specified guidelines and timeframes or i will have failed as a food expert and delivered a mere 50% genuine italian dining experience.
only in american would you be instructed to greet a customer within 30 seconds, gauge their time constraints within 45 seconds and bring their drinks to them within 2 minutes. you know what else american's do? they screw up everything and make it stupid. for example, the olive garden serves a drink called the tuscan breeze. it is comprised of vodka (very italian), pineapple schnapps, tangerine and bananna liqeur and orange juice. tuscany is known for its wine, and essentially nothing else. there are no pineapples or banannas, and i'm pretty sure there aren't any tangerines, yet this drink shares its name with tuscany. also, they've turned a macchiato (a shot of espresso with a dollop of milk foam) into a carmel hazelnut macchiato which is a cup of regular old coffee, carmel, hazelnut and almond syrups topped with whipped cream. its kinda funny because ITS FUCKING STUPID.
america is stupid, olive garden is stupid and everything is stupid.
that's how i feel right now.
i wish that training didn't make me want to hurt myself. hopefully it won't be so bad once i'm just a server and i don't have to keep learning stupid things (incidentally, every time i typed stupid, including this time, for the past 5 lines, i accidentally wrote stuipd, so i guess that makes me stupid too).
goddammit, and tomorrow i have to take a written test which will evaluate my knowledge of all of the extensive menu items that the OG has to offer.
kill me.
posted by R. Peeps at 1:20 AM
1 Comments:
Rob: I share your pain. Grizzlebee's, like every other big stupid chain, has posters everywhere outlining the time frame - how you have to greet in one minute, be back with soft drinks in three, bar drinks in five, appetizers in seven... plus then we were always getting tested on how many ounces each steak weighed and a million other things that made me want to scream. Or bring lit cigarettes to my eyes. Hmm... maybe not mine. Maybe the managers'.
So anyway, keep that shit-eating grin on your face and know that pretty soon you can start being a server and not such a minion. It gets marginally better.
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