hi ho! indeed

A certain well-read little bird contrived a way to get me to read Collette this saturday, as I am yet again at work, and yet again find myself with little else to do but read. The book contains both Gigi and The Cat, so I set off to read them both today.
I just recently finished Gigi, and it left me dismal, if not downright depressed. It doesn't hurt the situation that today is an especially gloomy day near the coast and the fleeting moments of sunlight only serve to make the gloom more gray. Anyway, its not a very sad story, and I even found myself getting caught up in the discussions of proper culture and the close attention that one of such esteem would pay to the faint glimmer of blue in a valuable emerald. This is a time when things of value were beyond our comprehension. There are beautiful trifles to be found at every corner, but things of true beauty are only visible to the trained eye, and I guess that's basically the point of Gigi as a character. She's "backwards" for her age and is everything but a proper lady of the times, but she manages to catch the eye of an infamous bachelor-about-town. He's rich, stylish, and has full capacity to take care of her and her family and all that doesn't interest her in the least.
And of course this only makes him want her more, but not in an objectifying manner, just your typical human nature, "i want what i can't have" sort of desire. Its all too complicated to really be put into words, which is why the interplay is so important.
Throughout the whole story the love that these two share is scarcely even mentioned, but towards the end, they are so miserable that you can have no doubt that they are really in love. And that's specifically the part that bother's me. Too often in literature real, overpowering, unbridled love is described as a torment that often necessitates misery at a distance and overwhelming ecstacy otherwise. Think of Howard Roark and Dominique in The Fountainhead, think Heathcliffe and Catherine in Wuthering Heights. Its all the same. Which is why I have two questions to ask.
Why is it that Love is so often portrayed in this light?
Does life mimic art or does art mimic life?
Have we been lead to believe that the only love worth having is the kind of love you can't bare to be with and without? Or, conversely, is it actually the case that love is one of those mystical contradictory, transcendent things that actually involves misery and ecstacy at the same time?
Mmmmm...contradiction! Good to the last drop. Of course I took it there. How could I not? One of the last lines sums it up perfectly:
"I've been thinking Gaston. In fact, I've been thinking a great deal... I've been thinking I would rather be miserable with you than without you."
So there. Love is just need tinged with repulsion...isn't it beautifully complex. I don't know if I'm happy about this or not.
Gigi has left me feeling uneasy about love and our understanding of it through literature. I'm sure The Cat will reinvigorate me.

that's right motherfucker

this is the day after thanksgiving and i'm at work and this is what i have to say:
thank you for calling customer service, this is rob speaking how can i help you? ok, can i have your fleet number. no of course you wouldn't know your fleet number, ok, please give me the name of your company. i'm sorry, can you mumble a little bit more so i can't understand even one word that you're trying to spit out of your big fat mouth. ok, i've used my telepathic super-csr powers to deduce what company name you were talking about and have somehow managed to open up your fucking account. for security purposes can you please give me the password you established when you first applied for the account? no, of course not, why would you be responsible enough to know the only fucking security measure we have in place. what is the phone number that you're at right now. good, it matches what we have in our system, let me give you a call back so that i can confirm your identity. ringring...ringring, come on motherfucker you knew i was calling, ring, HELLO! hi, this is rob, we were just speaking a moment ago about your credit card. WHO? WHO IS THIS??? its me, rob, we were talking literally 5 seconds ago, i told you i was calling you back. OH RIGHT RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT? well, you called me, i just needed to confirm your identity before we did anything to your account. so, what can i do for you? oh good, you want to cancel the 25 existing cards on your account and activated 25 new ones. sure, why not, i've already wasted 15 minutes trying to help you while 10 people are waiting for me with real issues, why don't i waste an additional half hour or so activating cards for you when there's actually nothing wrong with your existing cards, you just think that its easier to cancel the old ones and activate the new ones. AWESOME, I'D LOVE TO, ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON HERE ANSWERING CALLS. PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME CATER TO YOUR RIDICULOUS WHIMS. let me tend to your ineptitude, let me fawn all over every stupid asinine question you ask me. and then, when we're done, why don't i bend over my tiny little desk, grab hold of my monitor and let you sodomize me as i'm answering the next call in line. does that sound good to you, you bitch-bastard of a caller.
fuck all.
happy fucking thanksgiving motherfuckers.
hi ho!

Inferno, Purgutorio et Paradiso

haha! that's right folks, i'm back...i'm back and better than ever. WOO!!!
ok, so as most of you know, suzanne and i are the proud owners of a shiny new apartment and i couldn't be happier. any of you who had the experience of seeing our old apartment will be happy to know that the new apartment has all the same charm and charisma of its predecessor. We no longer have the vintage couch that sank in the middle because we had to leave that in rochester. Instead we have a vintage metal futon that sinks in the middle, and when i say vintage i mean brand new, but it reminds me of college so that means vintage.
so far we're doing really well in the new place. both of our cars got broken into the other night, which is always an auspicious way to start your second month in your new apartment. the good thing was that they caught the thief and all of suzanne's expensive stereo equipment was found and replaced...in fact i have to re-wire all that this weekend. my car on the other hand is special. i have special locks on my car (god bless german engineers) that don't let you unlock the doors by pulling on the locks unless the key is in the ignition. so, the guy couldn't get into my car so none of my stereo equipment was stolen. the bad thing about this though is that they can't engineer glass that doesn't break unless the key is in the ignition. so, while suzanne's car was easy to break into and all of her stuff was stolen as a result of it, i'm the one who has to pay $200 to replace a window, while she has incurred essentially no monetary strain. yet again i find myself "smoten" by my bmw. fucking thing will eventually put me in the poor-house. i'm not sure though, i might be able to get my insurance to cover it. my brother got his car broken into twice (in the same week) while he was going to syracuse and the glass was covered both times without any deductible. hopefully i won't get screwed, but i'm already braced for it.
so what else has happened you ask? well...we adopted a cat for a while, a scrawny little 2 month old kitten of a little cat who i couldn't resist for the life of me. i know i project a cold, tough, manly exterior and all, but simple gestures such as the bat of an eye, the tremble of a lower lip or the quiet, begging mew of a cat can turn me into a silly little girl in just a few seconds. as a result, we had three cats running around our apartment for a while. well...two cats running around, and sylvia (or pepita the fattest cat in the whole wide world), trying to defend herself from the onslaught of the other two, more lively cats. poor thing, she's just trying to live up to her fullest potential as a fat house cat.
anyway, the apartment is great, and even my job has been tolerable, if not just a little bit too stressful, but otherwise ok. the real reason i titled this blog as i did was because i had a really strange dream the other night.
i was at this underground nightclub/bar type place with some of my co-workers and there were all these crazy religious icon-like paintings on the wall, and the crazy trippiest part about this bar was you could walk through the paintings (which were on walls, on floors and ceilings etc) and you'd be in the painting. so for me, the evening turned into a religious escapade of finding salvation. as i moved from painting to painting trying to find absolution i remember finding myself standing on a river of lava where there were few tufts of semi-solid rock-type materials that you could walk on, but because it was a dream i pretty much just ended up walking on the lava, and i remember sinking into it as i was walking around, but not feeling it burning me or anything so the hell that i was in didn't seem too bad. especially since one of the only other things i remember about it was a mexican waitress offering me a menu. after that i climbed a ladder and i was back in the bar again. as the night went on i ventured through several other paintings and as dawn was approaching and i hadn't yet unlocked the secret to redemption i glanced around feverishly and found a lonely picture of the virgin mary down a dark hallway in the bar. as i ran up to it and threw myself against it i yelled out very simply that i confess to all my sins. as i looked up i saw my clothes flying away from me and looked around and saw a bunch of naked people that weren't there before. as i realized that a) i still had my underwear on, and b) that i had been saved i removed my last tie to the physical realm and yelled out to the rest of my co-workers, "take that motherfuckers" as i ran around naked enjoying the fact that i was saved, just in time.
now, i realize that perhaps the part where i curse at my co-workers just as i've achieved salvation/enlightenment or whatever is probably not the clearest sign that i'm moving forward and becoming a bit more mature and achieving some of my higher aspirations, but i think the rest of the dream is at least indicative of my desire to pursue these goals and my attempts to find the truest path.
i'm in purgatory right now, right in between the hell of living with parents and the ecstacy of living in NYC and going to grad school. maybe that's why i said fuck-all to my co-workers.
so, that's pretty much all for now. suzanne is doing well. she's busy watering plants for a living, and can you believe its actually somewhat profitable. on top of doing fashion design for an upcoming label and dealing with my shenannigans all the time she's quite a busy woman. i'm proud of her and i love her. i wish i didn't have to work today so that i could be with her whilst she toils away with her sewing. i don't know what i'd do without her.
i hope everyone is doing well, i haven't heard from some of you in a while. i can't believe that sheel was the only one to comment on my lipoflavanoid post. i thought that shit was hilarious, but i guess my sense of humor is a little special.
anyway, we'll have an internet connection eventually.
later kids, see you on the other side of the tracks.