you can never go

here i am again, back in rochester. things really went off quite nicely. my parents were absolutely shocked to see me. i'm glad to find out that my grandfather can keep a secret. my mother's face was priceless, and my dad was without words, so it was really cool walking through the door and seeing my parents again. its good to be home, but i feel different.
i don't know if i'm just physically exhausted, or if my body is trying to cope with the radical climate change i'm exposing it to right now, but in general things don't seem quite right. in one breath i can easily say that it feels like i never left, but so many things are different about me right now, that home doesn't really seem like home. its been quite a while since i've actually considered this place home, so it makes sense, but there's still a feeling of familiarity about the whole thing that's almost disheartening. my mom seems smaller, my dad seems stronger and my brother seems taller. everything is just slightly different is all.
for example, i can still just as easily go outside for a cigarette, sneak inside and up the stairs without making a noise, despite the eager moans lurking in the stairs, but the carpet seems thinner, and the light switches fit in my hands differently. its home, but its the home of my youth and part of me has outgrown this house.
i've lived in my own place, had my own light switches to flip and stairs to climb. simply put, i've had my own life and my own little family that right now i feel a distinct lack of. i miss suzanne, but not just her presence. i miss knowing where she is and what she's doing. standing outside i tried to think of what she was going through back in vista at 11 at night. chances are she was in our bed reading in an effort to avoid the mindless sit-com's that her mom would have her endure in the name of family togetherness.
my love, my heart goes out to you.
home isn't home anymore. home isn't even a place for me right now, its a feeling. its a feeling i get when i'm with her. its a feeling that i can't capture right now because i don't feel like this is my life anymore. this is my past, which is clearly a part of me, but it isn't what i've been investing myself in for the past 2 years. i think that's what i'm missing right now. its almost as if i've stumbled back in time with all the memories of what's happened and all the changes i've gone through.
i'm glad to be here for now, but i long to get back to that feeling.
cheesy finish, cue violin music, end of post.