dream

in bed with someone i do not know, whose face i cannot see. naked and writhing with our bodies intertwined, i kiss, suck and bite her neck as my hands massage and explore the smooth expanse of her back. she faces away from me and is prone. i begin a slow and steady descent to the seat of her femininity. my initial lappings bring moans, which soon turn into demands, and as my inhibition snaps i devour her and savor the ecstatic opera that fills my ears. i am unprepared, so i ask for a condom. instead i am handed a contraceptive that i don't know how to use. a plastic spool with string wrapped around it the wrong way, creating a cage around its core, a core with a latex ring. defeated, i flop on the bed and disappear.
i find myself in a mental hospital that seems more a dormitory, apartment complex or co-op for the mentally unstable. i feel as though i know people here, but could name only one if pressed. there is something for me to do, an assignment has been handed to me, but i don't know what it is. i wander the building looking for clues...up flights of stairs, through hallways and open doors. its like i'm trapped in a maya deren film, and around every corner lurks something new and unexpected, yet familiar and understood. the building is on fire, but i have no fear or anxiety. i continue my wanderings, encountering at least one ex-girlfriend on the way. our conversation is friendly, yet distant...desirious, yet mournful. i'm standing on a balcony, watching the flames consume the floors below me. i am alone, but someone is with me...silently watching as i watch my sanctuary burn.

medication

let it out...let it all out. whatever is in me is all coming out, and i don't know if i'm afraid of it. it is a part of me, but it is not all of me. i can let myself fall apart without losing myself.
there is someone i can look up to. someone who has gone through all of this a thousand times before i was born. he knows what i'm going through, and he knows he can't help...not in any way he wants to. whatever strength we lack individually, we give to eachother through our very existence. through his trials, he thought of me and it saved him, and now when i face his demons, i know what strength it takes, and where to find it.
i have something he never had...i have him.
thank you, d.

in/sanity

i'm standing on the edge of something unknown. something about the edge is simultaneously appealing and appalling. in times when i've considered suicide, a leap from the edge has been the weapon of choice. what is behind me is solid and secure; a foundation on which my essence is defined and stable. what is before me is unknown, terrifying and to be avoided, but unavoidable.
now i not only stand on the line between sanity and insanity, i am that line. i can't take a step backward, and to move forward is complete annihilation. i want to take that step to allow myself to fall endlessly into the secret insanity i fear is an inescapable part of me. you see me and everything is fine, and i maintain the facade, but for whose sake? my own, yours, the entire world? why do i feel as though when i fall apart that reality will follow? i am the author of all of this, but what is all of this? when the last thread of sanity to which i cling snaps, and my being fractures into infinity what will be left of the reality i perceive?
this is not simply about a lost love.
yes it is.
no it isn't.
this isn't about feeling like i'm going to fall apart because of all this. this is about wanting to fall apart. whatever it was that was trying to hold this thing together that i call myself doesn't want to try any more. i want to go on a mental vacation. i want to go insane. i do not want to participate in a reality that has rules that i don't dictate. somehow the idea of losing control has the same meaning and appeal as taking control.
what is an author? what is my intent in writing this? who is writing it, rob or the madman? is there a difference? why put all this in a public sphere? because i don't want to hide behind myself anymore. i don't want to be strong. i no longer want to hold back 26 years of tears and rage and terror that i always feel, but ignore for the sake of appearances. it looks as though i don't care about anything specifically because everything affects me on such a profound level that i cannot even begin to approach it. i take a closer look through the window and blindness washes over me.
here i am world. i stand with my arms at my sides, unwilling or unable to defend myself against your onslaught. tear me apart so that i might walk away with what remains. tear me apart so that i may begin putting myself together.
here i am...but where is here, who am i, and how can i be?
for the first time in my life i am able to admit that i have no idea, and that i fear i may never really know.