in/sanity

i'm standing on the edge of something unknown. something about the edge is simultaneously appealing and appalling. in times when i've considered suicide, a leap from the edge has been the weapon of choice. what is behind me is solid and secure; a foundation on which my essence is defined and stable. what is before me is unknown, terrifying and to be avoided, but unavoidable.
now i not only stand on the line between sanity and insanity, i am that line. i can't take a step backward, and to move forward is complete annihilation. i want to take that step to allow myself to fall endlessly into the secret insanity i fear is an inescapable part of me. you see me and everything is fine, and i maintain the facade, but for whose sake? my own, yours, the entire world? why do i feel as though when i fall apart that reality will follow? i am the author of all of this, but what is all of this? when the last thread of sanity to which i cling snaps, and my being fractures into infinity what will be left of the reality i perceive?
this is not simply about a lost love.
yes it is.
no it isn't.
this isn't about feeling like i'm going to fall apart because of all this. this is about wanting to fall apart. whatever it was that was trying to hold this thing together that i call myself doesn't want to try any more. i want to go on a mental vacation. i want to go insane. i do not want to participate in a reality that has rules that i don't dictate. somehow the idea of losing control has the same meaning and appeal as taking control.
what is an author? what is my intent in writing this? who is writing it, rob or the madman? is there a difference? why put all this in a public sphere? because i don't want to hide behind myself anymore. i don't want to be strong. i no longer want to hold back 26 years of tears and rage and terror that i always feel, but ignore for the sake of appearances. it looks as though i don't care about anything specifically because everything affects me on such a profound level that i cannot even begin to approach it. i take a closer look through the window and blindness washes over me.
here i am world. i stand with my arms at my sides, unwilling or unable to defend myself against your onslaught. tear me apart so that i might walk away with what remains. tear me apart so that i may begin putting myself together.
here i am...but where is here, who am i, and how can i be?
for the first time in my life i am able to admit that i have no idea, and that i fear i may never really know.