i want so badly to understand the anger and rage that lingers just beneath the surface of my otherwise calm and easygoing facade.
i want to know why when i remember dreams its always something fucked up and completely confusing like being reunited with my estranged mother and having her back away from me as i approach her, bawling my eyes out the whole time. oh, and here's another crazy one about my mother where she convinced me to kill this girl, and as soon as i killed her and i'm walking out the door there are a million cops around me and i hear a blood-curdling scream as i throw myself to the ground, and when i get the courage to look up i see that my mother has chopped my fingers off and when i look her in the eyes we both know that i'm done, so i grab her hand and the knife thats in it and drive it into my throat and slowly drift away from my body and the whole confusing scene.
i want to know why when i'm watching a serious movie, about some horrible atrocity that actually happened i'm not really moved, but when i watch a movie like "hardball" with keanu reeves, and the little black boy from the ghetto who is too small to play baseball gets killed in the crossfire of gang warfare i have to fight to keep the tears back and pretend like i'm not wiping a rogue tear out of my eye as i take a sip of coffee.
what's wrong with me?
why do i feel like i'm about to explode?
why do i feel like i'm at the edge of a cliff and i can't really decide whether it would be better to take a step forward or back?
my life isn't that hard, it isn't that complicated and it isn't that emotional, and yet i still feel like i'm on the verge of a breakdown right now.
i just want to scream and cry for a week. i think if i could find the time and a place comfortable enough, i could just get it out of the way and go back to pretending like i don't hate my life.
is that what it really is, do i just hate my life and i pretend that i don't and i'm so good at it that i'm not even really sure where i stand?
goddammit.

y'igh

so, am i just too sensitive? is the working world really not all that bad and i'm just being a big baby about it? i've been having an e-mail conversation with a friend of mine for a while now about the complexities of the corporate system, but she refuses to budge on this issue...just as much as i refuse to budge on it, but i'm to a point where i'm at least starting to question myself. not because i doubt my position, but just as a means of analysis. and even after i do this, i'm still convinced that this system is inherently bad. all i keep coming back to is this; my contention was that the main point on which we disagreed was the fact that i think our jobs have become an entirely too dominant force in our lives and that they do in fact define who we are. my friend's contention was that our jobs do not define who we are and are merely a means to "pay the bills." so, lets go back to grade school and do some simple math. 24 hours in a day times 7 days in a week equals 168. so, of the 168 hours in a week, 40 are spent working, so that brings us down to 128 hours left. but, if you factor in an hour long lunch each day, and an hour of commuting each way that means you have to take away an additional 15 hours from your week, so now we're down to 113. 55 i think is a pretty fair average of how long people spend either at work or going to work...keep this number in mind. of the remaining 113 hours that are left in the week, lets figure that you get a solid 8 hours of sleep a night, so 56 hours a week are spent sleeping, which brings us down to 57 hours. this means that after you factor out all the time you spend sleeping, and all the time you spend either working or going to work, in a given week one can really only expect to have 57 hours of free time that you are awake to enjoy. 32 of those hours are waking hours during the weekend which means that the remaining 25 hours...25 hours goddammit!, are the precious hours you have during your work week to relax and be yourself. that's just barely over 3 hours a day. so basically, if you have dinner and watch some tv you're lucky if you have time to do anything else. so, i guess we aren't actually defined by our jobs because technically have more free time than we spend at work, and we spend more time sleeping than we do at work, and i guess purely measuring time doesn't really prove that much anyway, but i think my point still stands. work is a dominant force in our lives and to say that we are not defined by our jobs is at least a little bit negligent. i mean, you can juggle the numbers a little bit, allot less time for commuting or whatever, but the fact still stands that most of our lives are spent either working, or sleeping. this isn't necessarily a bad thing. it can be good if your job defines who you are, but only if you choose your job wisely and are blessed with the clarity of thought and passion that allows you to choose a career that suits you and satisfies you. but that's bullshit, because most people are miserable, so they drink away their sorrows, or live happy lives vicariously through fictional characters either on tv or in books (i don't need to take cheap shots at tv here, we all know who the real culprit is). people sure as hell don't get done with work and say, "goddammit that was the most miserable, pointless, mind-numbing, monotonous and idiotic day that i've ever had the misfortune of surviving through, but what i'm gonna do to make myself feel better is sit down with my family, relax, love eachother, enjoy eachother's company, have a happy harmonious existence with those who are closest to me and forget about all the problems of my workday, which clearly doesn't define me, because my mood and personality are not controlled by my job." NO! people don't do this. some people do...but people don't do this. they get home from work, have a glass of wine or a beer, flip on the tv and attempt to escape from reality by enjoying the asinine comedo-drama that the networks provide us. so, it seems like i have a pretty clear stance on the issue here, and i think that mostly my points make sense and are generally accurate. the only question i still have is why. why? why are so many people willing to live like this? why i am so acutely aware of the injustice that is slung down on me by my "superiors" on a daily basis while other people are content to complain about it behind their bosses backs? why did "survival of the fittests" get turned into "advancement of the dullest?" why am I still talking about this? answers to any of these questions, or counterpoints to any aspect of my argument would be greatly appreciated.

HA!

sweet sweet unemployment. ahh the simple pleasures in life...that's what i'm after. like...the simple pleasure of sleeping in until 10:00 am on a monday. you don't get to do that in real life...only in unemployed life.
i like this so much better than having a job. if only there was a way i could get paid for being unemployed, like if i was chosen as the representative for the entire unemployed demographic and was needed for such taxing jobs as, la-z-boy tester, or remote control feng shui analyst.
to quote bart simpson: "ahh the life of a frog, that's the life for me."