i want so badly to understand the anger and rage that lingers just beneath the surface of my otherwise calm and easygoing facade.
i want to know why when i remember dreams its always something fucked up and completely confusing like being reunited with my estranged mother and having her back away from me as i approach her, bawling my eyes out the whole time. oh, and here's another crazy one about my mother where she convinced me to kill this girl, and as soon as i killed her and i'm walking out the door there are a million cops around me and i hear a blood-curdling scream as i throw myself to the ground, and when i get the courage to look up i see that my mother has chopped my fingers off and when i look her in the eyes we both know that i'm done, so i grab her hand and the knife thats in it and drive it into my throat and slowly drift away from my body and the whole confusing scene.
i want to know why when i'm watching a serious movie, about some horrible atrocity that actually happened i'm not really moved, but when i watch a movie like "hardball" with keanu reeves, and the little black boy from the ghetto who is too small to play baseball gets killed in the crossfire of gang warfare i have to fight to keep the tears back and pretend like i'm not wiping a rogue tear out of my eye as i take a sip of coffee.
what's wrong with me?
why do i feel like i'm about to explode?
why do i feel like i'm at the edge of a cliff and i can't really decide whether it would be better to take a step forward or back?
my life isn't that hard, it isn't that complicated and it isn't that emotional, and yet i still feel like i'm on the verge of a breakdown right now.
i just want to scream and cry for a week. i think if i could find the time and a place comfortable enough, i could just get it out of the way and go back to pretending like i don't hate my life.
is that what it really is, do i just hate my life and i pretend that i don't and i'm so good at it that i'm not even really sure where i stand?
goddammit.
i want to know why when i remember dreams its always something fucked up and completely confusing like being reunited with my estranged mother and having her back away from me as i approach her, bawling my eyes out the whole time. oh, and here's another crazy one about my mother where she convinced me to kill this girl, and as soon as i killed her and i'm walking out the door there are a million cops around me and i hear a blood-curdling scream as i throw myself to the ground, and when i get the courage to look up i see that my mother has chopped my fingers off and when i look her in the eyes we both know that i'm done, so i grab her hand and the knife thats in it and drive it into my throat and slowly drift away from my body and the whole confusing scene.
i want to know why when i'm watching a serious movie, about some horrible atrocity that actually happened i'm not really moved, but when i watch a movie like "hardball" with keanu reeves, and the little black boy from the ghetto who is too small to play baseball gets killed in the crossfire of gang warfare i have to fight to keep the tears back and pretend like i'm not wiping a rogue tear out of my eye as i take a sip of coffee.
what's wrong with me?
why do i feel like i'm about to explode?
why do i feel like i'm at the edge of a cliff and i can't really decide whether it would be better to take a step forward or back?
my life isn't that hard, it isn't that complicated and it isn't that emotional, and yet i still feel like i'm on the verge of a breakdown right now.
i just want to scream and cry for a week. i think if i could find the time and a place comfortable enough, i could just get it out of the way and go back to pretending like i don't hate my life.
is that what it really is, do i just hate my life and i pretend that i don't and i'm so good at it that i'm not even really sure where i stand?
goddammit.
posted by R. Peeps at 8:15 PM
1 Comments:
sweetie,
like we always say, it's about power, and it's about choice. when you have neither one of these things, you start to question who you really are. confusion sets in. you dont have the freedom to even eat what you want anymore without it being the butt of a joke, so how can you feel like yourself?
and, also like we always say, i tend to be very headstrong when it comes to personal choices and you tend to be more obliging because you dont know what you actually want anyway. i think we need to force you to that...even if you dont care, you have to make the decisions anyway, because this is our life and all we have are the lame everyday decisions that crop up to define ourselves. i hope this makes sense.
okay, i just talked this point over with you since you're sitting right across from me, and i was much more articulate.
i love you!
your gal,
suz.
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