a lesson for alanis
isn't it kinda funny...one might even say ironic, that after i go to all the trouble of calling everyone out and being all, "why doesn't anyone ever comment on my blog, wah wah wah...poor me, no one likes me," i then proceed to completely skip out on blogging for several weeks.
yeah, i thought so too.
hey...do you know that feeling, where you wake up in the morning and your bed is already so comfortable that you think that never, ever, leaving it would be a fantastic idea? i've been going through a lot of that lately. i hate having to wake up. anyone who has ever seen me in the morning, or early afternoon depending on when you woke me up, understands that i'm not a morning person, i'm not an afternoon person, i'm not even an evening person. it doesn't matter, if i was sleeping, i'd rather be there.
well, the whole point of me rambling on about sleeping is that staying in bed in the morning is infinitely more enticing when a.) the love of your life is right next to you, and she has her arm draped over your side in such a way that your bodies fit together perfectly, and b.) the reason you're waking up is to go to a mindless job that you don't care about, at all, that is only tolerable because you're just a temp and no one really believes that a philosophy degree makes you capable of handling the complexities of the business world.
i don't hate this job, i just wish i was doing something else. i wish mowing lawns paid as much as sitting in an office building, looking respectable and doing mindless drudgery. i got really excited this week when suzanne found a job opening at a jaguar repair shop. it was an apprentice position, so it didn't really require any experience. i figured my limited knowledge of cars, my wit and good sense of humor might actually be able to snag me this job in which case i could have theoretically been making a fair amount of money. i mean, mechanics make bank...i know because a few of them have not so gently bent me over and showed me whats for. so i was really excited about this job, and i applied...like as soon as i got the e-mail. i almost felt bad about applying to a job while i was at work, but i got over it quickly. i was hoping to dazzle whoever was in charge of hiring with my charm when i explained to them that i would "much prefer the hazards of splattering grease and flying sparks to the dangers of paper cuts and carpal tunnel." alas, the job was filled, on the same day that i applied for it, but its ok, because it was just a pipe dream. the job only paid $8/hr, and if i ever want to move out of suzanne's parents' house, i'm gonna need like double that, and hopefully more.
and that's another thing...can anyone believe we haven't moved out of this house yet. no, you can't believe it, but i want you all to sit there, while you're reading this and say to yourself, "i've been living with my boy/girlfriend's parents for the past 8 months. i've seen them almost every day and struggled through the emotional rollercoaster of a dysfunctional family that isn't even my dysfunctional family. i've lived here for 8 months and i haven't accomplished a single thing except getting accepted into a graduate program that i can't afford until next year."
in case you are completely incapable of wrapping your mind around this issue, let me clarify and just say that i'm starting to crack. tonight the parents went to the county fair, which was a fantastic treat for suzanne and i because we got to pretend we lived on our own for a little while. unfortunately, the inevitable return of the parents spurred on my current emotional state. we were upstairs, just starting ocean's 12 (which ended up being a big piece of shit) when they got home. from that moment, i felt like i was buried under the burden and obligation to go downstairs, greet them, listen to them tell us all about their night and every goddamn thing that they saw and pretend to be interested.
what's important here is that i felt a crushing sense of obligation. at the moment this feeling became present in my mind, i understood that i was no longer a 24 year old man with a mind of his own but rather, some breed of trained animal who must do what it is told, or rather do what it feels is expected of it. i hate this feeling. i stopped feeling this way about my parents a long time ago, because i realized that i wasn't living my life, i was living the life that i thought i was expected to lead. i thought i grew out of this. in my youth, i imagined that independence was a necessary side effect of growing older, and the thought of it almost scared me a little bit. now, there is no limit to what i would do to have my independence again. i'm serious, i'll do any job, any job that pays enough for me to get out of debt, put a new muffler on my car, and get me into an apartment with the woman i love, and my furniture, and my own stuff with my own damn bed and my own goddamn everything.
so much good shit happened this week that i'm pissed off that this entry is being dominated by this. i saw a pickup truck. it was a chevrolet, but it didn't say chevrolet on the back of it. no, it said "che ole ." get it, the v, the r and the t were all missing, either because of age or the owner's desire to make a political statement. either way, i chuckled to myself and said "che ole indeed," as i got ready for the remaining hour of my commute in gridlock traffic to my horrible job that makes me want to die. goddammit...goddammit i'm so full of negativity. i have to let go of it, its just really hard.
ok, so what else happened. on my way home from work, as i was making a turn onto business park road (one of the final legs of my journey home after work) a dog from a neighboring car stuck its head out the pasenger window and barked...loudly at my car. do you know why? because of the aforementioned muffler problems. this would be less funny were it not the second time a dog had done this to me, in the exact same spot on the exact same road...i shit you not. i don't really care about the noise, the only thing that pisses me off right now is the fact that my car is due for inspection, but i still have new york plates on my car (this is because i'm still on my parents' insurance policy...god bless them for keeping me on their policy, but goddamn me for not being able to make a fucking insurance payment on my own). so, to get my car inspected i'm gonna have to get it done in california, by california standards, and my car will have to pass a smog test, which typically cars don't do when they have a giant rusted out hole in them. and since i'm getting my car inspected and smogged, i'm probably also going to have to finally switch over my plates.
i hate money. money isn't real...it doesn't nourish you. its crap, its a piece of paper with an imaginary value attached to it. its an illusion that is maintained by a complex economic system designed to keep you working so you get more money so you can buy more crap. god, i wish i could just walk out into the wilderness, chose a plot of land, and start cutting down trees for my log cabin.
when it all comes down to it i have to remember where i am...even if that involves living with suzanne's parents. it was funny because i looked up my name in the comany directory where i work, just to see if my name was listed. much to my surprise it was, and i was even more suprised by the effect the text had on me. it was very simple.
Robert Pepe: San Diego Office
this was a link to my extension. it struck me that this page on a company website was one of the only shreds of evidence that actually shows that i live on the west coast. not necessarily important, just striking for some reason.
i've been trying to be more thoughtful this week. obviously i'm not thrilled with my life, so what i tend to do is distance myself from it and not really be thoughtful. in an effort to combat this i'm trying to just think every once in a while and see what i come up with. so far its just been that i need to rediscover myself, and once i figure that out, i'm gonna have to stick to my ideals and be who i am.
also, i have some really fucked up vision that i've been thinking about lately. my fucked up vision has gotten me thinking about quantum mechanics, and chaos theory and all sorts of crazy things. but, right now i've actually been blogging for over an hour, so i think i'll just stop and save the vision stories for later.
in one hour i wrote this much...this is why it wasn't hard for me to write philosophy papers. when i just sit down like this, and i've got nothing else to do (save sleep which i usually forego to write a paper) i can't seem to stop typing. except now...now i'm tired, and this isn't due tomorrow morning by 10.
goodnight...and if you made it this far, thanks.
yeah, i thought so too.
hey...do you know that feeling, where you wake up in the morning and your bed is already so comfortable that you think that never, ever, leaving it would be a fantastic idea? i've been going through a lot of that lately. i hate having to wake up. anyone who has ever seen me in the morning, or early afternoon depending on when you woke me up, understands that i'm not a morning person, i'm not an afternoon person, i'm not even an evening person. it doesn't matter, if i was sleeping, i'd rather be there.
well, the whole point of me rambling on about sleeping is that staying in bed in the morning is infinitely more enticing when a.) the love of your life is right next to you, and she has her arm draped over your side in such a way that your bodies fit together perfectly, and b.) the reason you're waking up is to go to a mindless job that you don't care about, at all, that is only tolerable because you're just a temp and no one really believes that a philosophy degree makes you capable of handling the complexities of the business world.
i don't hate this job, i just wish i was doing something else. i wish mowing lawns paid as much as sitting in an office building, looking respectable and doing mindless drudgery. i got really excited this week when suzanne found a job opening at a jaguar repair shop. it was an apprentice position, so it didn't really require any experience. i figured my limited knowledge of cars, my wit and good sense of humor might actually be able to snag me this job in which case i could have theoretically been making a fair amount of money. i mean, mechanics make bank...i know because a few of them have not so gently bent me over and showed me whats for. so i was really excited about this job, and i applied...like as soon as i got the e-mail. i almost felt bad about applying to a job while i was at work, but i got over it quickly. i was hoping to dazzle whoever was in charge of hiring with my charm when i explained to them that i would "much prefer the hazards of splattering grease and flying sparks to the dangers of paper cuts and carpal tunnel." alas, the job was filled, on the same day that i applied for it, but its ok, because it was just a pipe dream. the job only paid $8/hr, and if i ever want to move out of suzanne's parents' house, i'm gonna need like double that, and hopefully more.
and that's another thing...can anyone believe we haven't moved out of this house yet. no, you can't believe it, but i want you all to sit there, while you're reading this and say to yourself, "i've been living with my boy/girlfriend's parents for the past 8 months. i've seen them almost every day and struggled through the emotional rollercoaster of a dysfunctional family that isn't even my dysfunctional family. i've lived here for 8 months and i haven't accomplished a single thing except getting accepted into a graduate program that i can't afford until next year."
in case you are completely incapable of wrapping your mind around this issue, let me clarify and just say that i'm starting to crack. tonight the parents went to the county fair, which was a fantastic treat for suzanne and i because we got to pretend we lived on our own for a little while. unfortunately, the inevitable return of the parents spurred on my current emotional state. we were upstairs, just starting ocean's 12 (which ended up being a big piece of shit) when they got home. from that moment, i felt like i was buried under the burden and obligation to go downstairs, greet them, listen to them tell us all about their night and every goddamn thing that they saw and pretend to be interested.
what's important here is that i felt a crushing sense of obligation. at the moment this feeling became present in my mind, i understood that i was no longer a 24 year old man with a mind of his own but rather, some breed of trained animal who must do what it is told, or rather do what it feels is expected of it. i hate this feeling. i stopped feeling this way about my parents a long time ago, because i realized that i wasn't living my life, i was living the life that i thought i was expected to lead. i thought i grew out of this. in my youth, i imagined that independence was a necessary side effect of growing older, and the thought of it almost scared me a little bit. now, there is no limit to what i would do to have my independence again. i'm serious, i'll do any job, any job that pays enough for me to get out of debt, put a new muffler on my car, and get me into an apartment with the woman i love, and my furniture, and my own stuff with my own damn bed and my own goddamn everything.
so much good shit happened this week that i'm pissed off that this entry is being dominated by this. i saw a pickup truck. it was a chevrolet, but it didn't say chevrolet on the back of it. no, it said "che ole ." get it, the v, the r and the t were all missing, either because of age or the owner's desire to make a political statement. either way, i chuckled to myself and said "che ole indeed," as i got ready for the remaining hour of my commute in gridlock traffic to my horrible job that makes me want to die. goddammit...goddammit i'm so full of negativity. i have to let go of it, its just really hard.
ok, so what else happened. on my way home from work, as i was making a turn onto business park road (one of the final legs of my journey home after work) a dog from a neighboring car stuck its head out the pasenger window and barked...loudly at my car. do you know why? because of the aforementioned muffler problems. this would be less funny were it not the second time a dog had done this to me, in the exact same spot on the exact same road...i shit you not. i don't really care about the noise, the only thing that pisses me off right now is the fact that my car is due for inspection, but i still have new york plates on my car (this is because i'm still on my parents' insurance policy...god bless them for keeping me on their policy, but goddamn me for not being able to make a fucking insurance payment on my own). so, to get my car inspected i'm gonna have to get it done in california, by california standards, and my car will have to pass a smog test, which typically cars don't do when they have a giant rusted out hole in them. and since i'm getting my car inspected and smogged, i'm probably also going to have to finally switch over my plates.
i hate money. money isn't real...it doesn't nourish you. its crap, its a piece of paper with an imaginary value attached to it. its an illusion that is maintained by a complex economic system designed to keep you working so you get more money so you can buy more crap. god, i wish i could just walk out into the wilderness, chose a plot of land, and start cutting down trees for my log cabin.
when it all comes down to it i have to remember where i am...even if that involves living with suzanne's parents. it was funny because i looked up my name in the comany directory where i work, just to see if my name was listed. much to my surprise it was, and i was even more suprised by the effect the text had on me. it was very simple.
Robert Pepe: San Diego Office
this was a link to my extension. it struck me that this page on a company website was one of the only shreds of evidence that actually shows that i live on the west coast. not necessarily important, just striking for some reason.
i've been trying to be more thoughtful this week. obviously i'm not thrilled with my life, so what i tend to do is distance myself from it and not really be thoughtful. in an effort to combat this i'm trying to just think every once in a while and see what i come up with. so far its just been that i need to rediscover myself, and once i figure that out, i'm gonna have to stick to my ideals and be who i am.
also, i have some really fucked up vision that i've been thinking about lately. my fucked up vision has gotten me thinking about quantum mechanics, and chaos theory and all sorts of crazy things. but, right now i've actually been blogging for over an hour, so i think i'll just stop and save the vision stories for later.
in one hour i wrote this much...this is why it wasn't hard for me to write philosophy papers. when i just sit down like this, and i've got nothing else to do (save sleep which i usually forego to write a paper) i can't seem to stop typing. except now...now i'm tired, and this isn't due tomorrow morning by 10.
goodnight...and if you made it this far, thanks.
posted by R. Peeps at 3:30 AM
4 comments
