by popular demand

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i never have anything to say anymore, which is why i never post anymore. i've been really lazy lately. i've been struggling with some pesonal demons, trying to figure out where that laziness comes from. actually, the laziness i understand, what i don't understand is why i don't have to will to do anything about it. i've got this whole freaking city to explore, but all i end up doing is sitting around trying to think of things i can do instead of doing my work. which is just sick because i have so much work that i'm actually genuinely interested in right now.
raise your hand if you've heard me say all this shit before.
yeah, i'm getting real good at spotting the problems, but i still really suck at fixing them.
a friend introduced us to alluc.org, and for that i'm infinitely grateful, but i also feel like i probably should punch that friend in the head. the reason for both of those contradictory sentiments is that i could waste entire weeks at that site.
the daemon is the zero between one and negative one. its the starting point from which you can move backward or forward, and without which you would have neither. it strikes me as so odd that numerically, the concept of zero didn't always exist. i was told on a trip to mexico with my family that the ancient mayans came up with the concept...the idea of representing nothing with a number.
i picked up a copy of mos def's cd, "the new danger." suz and i were watching chapelle's show on alluc.org and mos makes several appearances. his sound caught my ear so i grabbed the cd and its actually pretty hard. it cracks me up when i hear him giving shout-outs to 718 or the myrtle/broadway stop on the jmz line. he's talking about the projects, and ghetto people and while i listen to him on my ipod as i'm walking the streets he is talking about, i can't help but feel how completely different i am. then i feel guilty for being white and living in this neighborhood. then i come home and blog about it and it makes me feel better...and worse
i'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. those of you who know me wouldn't really hesitate to say that i exude more feminine qualities than masculine (except of course for my gigantic penis), and i've always gotten along better with girls than boys. in fact, i remember how ashamed i felt in kindergarten when i realized that playing with barbie dolls wasn't supposed to be fun to me. i don't know if i actually remember my dad gently teasing me about it, or if i created that memory from the void, but either way, i remember feeling shame, and then i remember being guarded from that point on. that is of course until i got to college and started dyeing my hair and painting my nails. i guess its good i got into philosophy because otherwise these tendencies would have to remain latent and then when i turned 45 my complex would reach its apex and i'd show up to work in drag and pull a shotgun out from between my legs.
what i'm finding out though is that guys can be trusted with the emotional issues that interest me more than sports, and i'm starting to think that's specifically because the types of guys i'm exposed to now are the types of guys who are at least a little bit like me. i mean, i can watch sports and get drunk and have a genuinely good time, but its never the stuff i think about doing when i'm bored, so i'm glad i'm finding dudes here who are into other stuff.
i still don't have my pocket watch, but that's because the original could not be repaired so my dad returned it and got one that was born in 1881...precisely one hundred years before i was born. probably a coincidence, but god bless that man. if any of you really knew how emotional i can get when i think about him you'd understand a side of me that exists beyond the jokester who slings one-liners for public approval.
ahh self-loathing...where would i be without it.
this post has been brought to you by the fractured ideas kicking around in my usually listless mind.
by the way, i found a cat in the stair well of our building. no one here has claimed it, so if you live in the NYC area and you want a cat, let me know, cuz this little cat needs a home. two cats are cozy, three are fucking annoying when they don't get along and one of them keeps vomiting.