what an emotional day
i'd like to start off this post by aknowledging the fact that i basically just spew anger on this page whenever i get depressed. after i do that, i rarely come back to consider blogging again with newfound insight, and therefore neglect to respond to people's comments, namely bevin regarding my last post. for this, i truly apologize, as the best intentions are usually carried in responses to such posts, and such courtesies should not go unrecognized.
the problem is, i struggle with writing sometimes, mostly because i can't really handle making my thoughts tangible like this. i know its important because if i don't do it, i don't really concentrate on what i'm thinking, and then i just end up coasting through life without a care in the world. while this is an effective coping mechanism, i realize that its faulty and i hope to overcome it soon.
anyway, i've been really emotional lately. whether its a response to recent discussions with suzanne or some sort of looming depression that i'm going to have to deal with soon, i've decided to try to deal with it now, while its happening, rather than later, when i have a breakdown. breakdowns are bad, introspection is good.
back to me being emotional...and incapable of carrying a train of thought. anyway. i got into rochester yesterday morning, and since i caught the red-eye out of san diego, i was traveling all night and therefore quite exhausted upon my arrival. i came home, threw my things to the floor, and collapsed on the couch. after a brief conversation with my dearest, i proceeded to waste the rest of the afternoon watching rubbish on tv. hbo had a fascinating documentary on head trauma, and the teenage victims of such trauma as a result of underage drinking. i don't know what it is about hbo, but i found myself moved to tears as a result of this program (last time i remember this happening i was watching harry potter on hbo...go ahead and laugh, but when he's looking at that mirror, wishing that his parents were actually by his side instead of just in the mirror, its damn depressing). anyway, the only reason i mention this is because i am very rarely moved to tears. its like a long time ago i turned off my empathy, and it only chooses to come out at the strangest of moments (example, harry potter).
well, today my brother graduated from syracuse university, and i found myself again moved to tears, and not just once because i was proud of him (which incidentally, i really am. valedictorian of his class, university scholar, and elected representative of the university scholars to give the only student speech during the convocation of the entire graduating class of syracuse university 2005. do you know how many fucking schools are in this university...35 million), but actually crying several times after the initial pride. i didn't know what the hell was going on. i didn't even get this emotional at my graduation. well, after the fourth or fifth time that i had to wipe my eyes, i decided that my journal would be a good distraction, so i started writing to try and understand what was going on inside of me. my brother gave his speech, which was truly impressive, not just because he's an engineering student, yet surprisingly articulate and poignant, but also because it wasn't just a speech that's like, "syracuse rocks, we all had good times here and now we're gonna go rock the world." my brother actually considered a lot of weighty global issues, and furthermore successfully recognized that there was a room full of budding potential without getting cheesy.
it didn't hit me at first, it wasn't until much later in jane goodall's speech (that's right, their convocation speaker was jane "25 years in the jungle with chimps" goodall) that i realized what was really getting to me. a convocation is a celebration off a big old room full of potential. we celebrate this potential because there are so many horrible problems in the world, and we're hoping that maybe one out of the 3,500 people in the room will make a magnificent, positive contribution to society. this is beautiful to me. it almost makes me want to cry right now. one person, who cares enough, and tries hard enough, might actually make a difference one day, and really anyone can do it, we just need to figure out how. maybe the fact that i think this concept is so beautiful should further elucidate the love i have for a certain leftist, anarchist activist that i like to call my own. i think this is so beautiful to me because i'm just so convinced sometimes that it doesn't matter what i do with my life. today i realized that it really does matter, and that i really do want to make a difference. much like my dear suzanne, i can feel the pain that surrounds me, and now, all of a sudden, i want more than anything to be able to do something to make it better.
my mind is just swelling right now with an array of unintelligible and depressing thoughts, and thus the problem i always seem to run into. the more i write, the more i think, the more i want to cry because i feel helpless.
this is too longwinded right now, but if anyone is interested, i have further stories regarding today that involve FDR and a sad little imprisoned chimpanzee that almost drowned. it all ties together, i just couldn't fit it all here right now.
whew...it feels good to get all that out.
the problem is, i struggle with writing sometimes, mostly because i can't really handle making my thoughts tangible like this. i know its important because if i don't do it, i don't really concentrate on what i'm thinking, and then i just end up coasting through life without a care in the world. while this is an effective coping mechanism, i realize that its faulty and i hope to overcome it soon.
anyway, i've been really emotional lately. whether its a response to recent discussions with suzanne or some sort of looming depression that i'm going to have to deal with soon, i've decided to try to deal with it now, while its happening, rather than later, when i have a breakdown. breakdowns are bad, introspection is good.
back to me being emotional...and incapable of carrying a train of thought. anyway. i got into rochester yesterday morning, and since i caught the red-eye out of san diego, i was traveling all night and therefore quite exhausted upon my arrival. i came home, threw my things to the floor, and collapsed on the couch. after a brief conversation with my dearest, i proceeded to waste the rest of the afternoon watching rubbish on tv. hbo had a fascinating documentary on head trauma, and the teenage victims of such trauma as a result of underage drinking. i don't know what it is about hbo, but i found myself moved to tears as a result of this program (last time i remember this happening i was watching harry potter on hbo...go ahead and laugh, but when he's looking at that mirror, wishing that his parents were actually by his side instead of just in the mirror, its damn depressing). anyway, the only reason i mention this is because i am very rarely moved to tears. its like a long time ago i turned off my empathy, and it only chooses to come out at the strangest of moments (example, harry potter).
well, today my brother graduated from syracuse university, and i found myself again moved to tears, and not just once because i was proud of him (which incidentally, i really am. valedictorian of his class, university scholar, and elected representative of the university scholars to give the only student speech during the convocation of the entire graduating class of syracuse university 2005. do you know how many fucking schools are in this university...35 million), but actually crying several times after the initial pride. i didn't know what the hell was going on. i didn't even get this emotional at my graduation. well, after the fourth or fifth time that i had to wipe my eyes, i decided that my journal would be a good distraction, so i started writing to try and understand what was going on inside of me. my brother gave his speech, which was truly impressive, not just because he's an engineering student, yet surprisingly articulate and poignant, but also because it wasn't just a speech that's like, "syracuse rocks, we all had good times here and now we're gonna go rock the world." my brother actually considered a lot of weighty global issues, and furthermore successfully recognized that there was a room full of budding potential without getting cheesy.
it didn't hit me at first, it wasn't until much later in jane goodall's speech (that's right, their convocation speaker was jane "25 years in the jungle with chimps" goodall) that i realized what was really getting to me. a convocation is a celebration off a big old room full of potential. we celebrate this potential because there are so many horrible problems in the world, and we're hoping that maybe one out of the 3,500 people in the room will make a magnificent, positive contribution to society. this is beautiful to me. it almost makes me want to cry right now. one person, who cares enough, and tries hard enough, might actually make a difference one day, and really anyone can do it, we just need to figure out how. maybe the fact that i think this concept is so beautiful should further elucidate the love i have for a certain leftist, anarchist activist that i like to call my own. i think this is so beautiful to me because i'm just so convinced sometimes that it doesn't matter what i do with my life. today i realized that it really does matter, and that i really do want to make a difference. much like my dear suzanne, i can feel the pain that surrounds me, and now, all of a sudden, i want more than anything to be able to do something to make it better.
my mind is just swelling right now with an array of unintelligible and depressing thoughts, and thus the problem i always seem to run into. the more i write, the more i think, the more i want to cry because i feel helpless.
this is too longwinded right now, but if anyone is interested, i have further stories regarding today that involve FDR and a sad little imprisoned chimpanzee that almost drowned. it all ties together, i just couldn't fit it all here right now.
whew...it feels good to get all that out.
posted by R. Peeps at 6:39 PM
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