what am i doing
my sentiment is far from cheery right now. i'm just dragging my ass behind me and can't really seem to do anything. it looks like i'll be starting a new job on monday. this is excellent news, it actually is, but i find that i'm devastated at the thought of entering the corporate world again. i'm going to have to communte to work, i'm going to have to wear a dress shirt and tie and i'm going to have to work a full shift, none of this 4-6 hour crap that i had at the olive garden. its not that i'm looking back fondly at the olive garden, i can say with full authority that i do not miss that job at all, but there was a certain purity about the work. what a stupid dilemma to be in because either way, whatever job i'm doing, i'm not going to like it.
i was digging though suzanne's parents', neighbor's garage today, looking desparately through all of our boxes to find my assortment of ties, when i realized how miserable i actually was that my life was boxed up and hidden in someone's garage. i mean, obviously i'm living my life, but i'm living it in someone else's world right now.
suzanne and i have talked about this countless times, the fact that we have no space to call our own, which is what has lead us to so many discussions about public space, but i've never really felt the pang of remorse quite as acutely as when i was looking through our boxes. i just want to have a home again. i feel like i'm back in college again living in the dorms. i have one room to call my own, and in that room i have to try and fit all of the stuff that's most important to me. the difference is though, this isn't a dorm, this is someone's house, someone whose wishes i need to respect, so i don't get to decorate the way i want. i don't get to move the furniture around so that i feel the space is most efficiently utilized. i hide my clothes and posessions in the closet, and anything else that doesn't fit either goes in the garage or in the trunk of my car.
can you see how i feel like even though i know that i'm in california i don't really feel like i'm anywhere at all? while this should in some ways be a liberating experience i find that it is actually quite stifling. i feel like the prisoner who has just been released after 25 years of confinement. there's a limitless array of possibilities ahead of me, so much so that i'm overwhelmed and instead of delighting at my newfound freedom, i'm compelled to recoil and hide like a cocroach just exposed to the light (talk about mixing metaphors. maybe i'm a cocroach in a prison who has just been released).
i don't know what to do anymore. some days i wish i never moved out here, and on rare occasions i'm grateful that i did, even if i am living at my girlfriend's parents' house. i've got one more year here before i go to grad school, so the optimist in me tells me to make the most of it. of course, the pessimist is a fat, obnoxious, angry little bastard and tends to color my opinion more often, so i'm often confronted with overpowering fear and hopelessness. its never going to get better, and even when it does get better, that's going to suck too.
i'm ok, things aren't that bad, so i'm going to be ok. i'm going to be ok.
i was digging though suzanne's parents', neighbor's garage today, looking desparately through all of our boxes to find my assortment of ties, when i realized how miserable i actually was that my life was boxed up and hidden in someone's garage. i mean, obviously i'm living my life, but i'm living it in someone else's world right now.
suzanne and i have talked about this countless times, the fact that we have no space to call our own, which is what has lead us to so many discussions about public space, but i've never really felt the pang of remorse quite as acutely as when i was looking through our boxes. i just want to have a home again. i feel like i'm back in college again living in the dorms. i have one room to call my own, and in that room i have to try and fit all of the stuff that's most important to me. the difference is though, this isn't a dorm, this is someone's house, someone whose wishes i need to respect, so i don't get to decorate the way i want. i don't get to move the furniture around so that i feel the space is most efficiently utilized. i hide my clothes and posessions in the closet, and anything else that doesn't fit either goes in the garage or in the trunk of my car.
can you see how i feel like even though i know that i'm in california i don't really feel like i'm anywhere at all? while this should in some ways be a liberating experience i find that it is actually quite stifling. i feel like the prisoner who has just been released after 25 years of confinement. there's a limitless array of possibilities ahead of me, so much so that i'm overwhelmed and instead of delighting at my newfound freedom, i'm compelled to recoil and hide like a cocroach just exposed to the light (talk about mixing metaphors. maybe i'm a cocroach in a prison who has just been released).
i don't know what to do anymore. some days i wish i never moved out here, and on rare occasions i'm grateful that i did, even if i am living at my girlfriend's parents' house. i've got one more year here before i go to grad school, so the optimist in me tells me to make the most of it. of course, the pessimist is a fat, obnoxious, angry little bastard and tends to color my opinion more often, so i'm often confronted with overpowering fear and hopelessness. its never going to get better, and even when it does get better, that's going to suck too.
i'm ok, things aren't that bad, so i'm going to be ok. i'm going to be ok.
posted by R. Peeps at 6:16 PM
1 Comments:
I thoroughly understand your mood, and I will not order you to cheer up, but I will say (perhaps intended as a distraction?) Congratulations on quitting the Olive Garden...! Your letter is a vindication of servers and former servers everywhere. I hope it doesn't go over their heads, but that is expecting a lot from management. Sigh.
and Happy Birthday! I wish you all the best in the upcoming year, and a tasty birthday cake from Suz in the immediate future (or immediate past, depending).
Post a Comment
<< Home