getting older
i'm going to be 26 in less than a week. i don't mind how old i'm actually going to be, what actually bothers me is that there are several aspects of my emotional development that have stagnated for as long as i can remember. i'm not going to get into the really screwed up ones, i'm just going to concentrate on what i consider to be one of the most difficult and defining aspects of my personal struggle with being.
for as long as i can remember, on any gift giving holiday (birthdays in particular), i have never been able to really say confidently what i would like for my birthday. that is to say, i have never really been able to say what my wish was for. i've never known what i wanted or desired.
this is not limited to the shallow question of "what do i want for my birthday." this question of what i want extends to essentially all aspects of my life. it can be a blessing at times, but more often than not, it leaves me confused and depressed. if i don't know what i want, does that mean i'm satisfied completely by what i already have? if so, why don't i just go hang myself?
maybe that's a little dramatic, but the point is that there's a part of me that is terrified...TERRIFIED, by my overwhelming complacency. i often feel as though i have nothing driving me further; no goals i need to accomplish to feel complete.
i don't want anything, i don't need anything. there's not even anything completely useless that i really wish i could have just for the sake of having it. i don't see the point, especially since i know i will soon grow bored with whatever i get, and it will sit in the pile of shit that i own that never gets used.
when is any of this going to start to make sense. i'm getting old now...i'm getting to the point where some of this should start to make sense.
for as long as i can remember, on any gift giving holiday (birthdays in particular), i have never been able to really say confidently what i would like for my birthday. that is to say, i have never really been able to say what my wish was for. i've never known what i wanted or desired.
this is not limited to the shallow question of "what do i want for my birthday." this question of what i want extends to essentially all aspects of my life. it can be a blessing at times, but more often than not, it leaves me confused and depressed. if i don't know what i want, does that mean i'm satisfied completely by what i already have? if so, why don't i just go hang myself?
maybe that's a little dramatic, but the point is that there's a part of me that is terrified...TERRIFIED, by my overwhelming complacency. i often feel as though i have nothing driving me further; no goals i need to accomplish to feel complete.
i don't want anything, i don't need anything. there's not even anything completely useless that i really wish i could have just for the sake of having it. i don't see the point, especially since i know i will soon grow bored with whatever i get, and it will sit in the pile of shit that i own that never gets used.
when is any of this going to start to make sense. i'm getting old now...i'm getting to the point where some of this should start to make sense.
posted by R. Peeps at 1:22 PM
2 Comments:
you mean i have to send you your birthday gift already?!
i forgot all about it.
youre not an old man dont worry.
you're one of the most brilliant people i have ever met..
and i totally wont mind the bonfire growing ontop of your cake!
muah!
xo
I've got the same problem with holidays. For Christmas this year I asked for magazine subscriptions and now I'm drowing in un- or half-read magazines.
I also, secretly, have the same problem with life. Shhh. Don't tell anyone.
I believe that if I got fired for gross incompetence from the newspaper biz I'd likely take up a better paying job and be just as complacently content.
It's scary to think that what would crush somebody else (fired from a job they worked 2.5 years to get) would likely just be a minor inconvenience for me. "Fuck, now I have to find a new job."
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