depression
well...i've started a new job and i can feel the numbness slowly starting to wash over me. its scarier this time because i know whats happening and i still can't stop it. its more powerful now because my job takes up so much of my attention for so much of the day that i don't have enough left to combat it. i'm numb because my brain is being taken over by a foreign entity, and that entity is the complex underbelly of two of my most loathed foes, oil and credit. i don't know exactly how it happened, but i managed to find a job in an industry that combines these two, which is actually very simple because its just a credit card that is used specifically for gasoline, so i get to discuss the complexities of living beyond your means and the skyrocketing price of gasoline...all day long! woo hoo, hooray for me. do you know how many people say this exact sentance, "well, you know, with the way gas prices are going, we're going to have to eventually increase my credit limit cuz i'm running into this problem every month," that problem being that they've maxed out their card. everyone says that exact same sentance, and they say it the same way, with just a hint of "goddammit you better give me more credit otherwise i'm gonna take my business elsewhere."
well the point is that all this is turning me into the person i always turn into. i'm not thoughtful, i'm not introspective, i'm not caring, i'm not interesting, i'm not fun, i'm not a good boyfriend...but i do have money. money that i don't know how to enjoy because every organ inside of me is too busy trying to belch forward the invisible poison that is taking over, and every cell in ever organ inside of me is committing suicide because it would rather give its life to freedom than to keep a boring, thoughtless, joyless loathesome shell of a man alive. while i'm at work, i'm convinced that my blood actually slows down and thickens as if i were dead because all i do is sit in a chair in a very cold room and move only my hands deftly across a keyboard like a magic wand as i fix other people's credit problems.
i don't even like myself, so how can i expect anyone else to like me. how can i expect my loving girlfriend to keep putting up with my stupid boring bullshit as i careen towards that cliff again. and when i get there and grind to a screeching hault which way will be more appealing, the sedentary, constant, secure and steady ground that i stand on or the uncertainty of lunging forward over a cliff into the unknown that i'm trying to avoid because i know once i'm in it i'll have to deal with it all and won't be able to pull myself up out of it. it doesn't matter either way because i'm convinced i'll be miserable nomatter what i do.
when did my life become so insufferable? what decision did i make that landed me in a situation that i can't control? what can i do to take it all back? how can i get through the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next...? the end of the tunnel is so far away i can barely see the light and its not real enough yet to make me want to get to it.
what a boring blog. i even hate my blog. i hate my thoughts, i hate my actions and i hate my desires.
well the point is that all this is turning me into the person i always turn into. i'm not thoughtful, i'm not introspective, i'm not caring, i'm not interesting, i'm not fun, i'm not a good boyfriend...but i do have money. money that i don't know how to enjoy because every organ inside of me is too busy trying to belch forward the invisible poison that is taking over, and every cell in ever organ inside of me is committing suicide because it would rather give its life to freedom than to keep a boring, thoughtless, joyless loathesome shell of a man alive. while i'm at work, i'm convinced that my blood actually slows down and thickens as if i were dead because all i do is sit in a chair in a very cold room and move only my hands deftly across a keyboard like a magic wand as i fix other people's credit problems.
i don't even like myself, so how can i expect anyone else to like me. how can i expect my loving girlfriend to keep putting up with my stupid boring bullshit as i careen towards that cliff again. and when i get there and grind to a screeching hault which way will be more appealing, the sedentary, constant, secure and steady ground that i stand on or the uncertainty of lunging forward over a cliff into the unknown that i'm trying to avoid because i know once i'm in it i'll have to deal with it all and won't be able to pull myself up out of it. it doesn't matter either way because i'm convinced i'll be miserable nomatter what i do.
when did my life become so insufferable? what decision did i make that landed me in a situation that i can't control? what can i do to take it all back? how can i get through the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next...? the end of the tunnel is so far away i can barely see the light and its not real enough yet to make me want to get to it.
what a boring blog. i even hate my blog. i hate my thoughts, i hate my actions and i hate my desires.
posted by R. Peeps at 2:25 PM
2 Comments:
Dude, those awful spam ads are impeccably timed.
I have two blissful, life-sustaining words for you: grad school.
You get to go. In less than a year. And leave all this behind.
Somehow a terminable damnation seems a lot easier to cope with than an interminable one.
Nevertheless, I do feel your pain. Rant as often as you need to.
i think the only comment worth posting at this point is that i've grossed myself out of my depression. i started to really look at the fact that for the past 6 or 8 months of done little else than complain about work. once i realized that, i decided that i should stop doing that. i just wish that my boring, self-pitying, online-bitchfest would've been put to a speedier hault by someone pointing out to me that i'm spending more time blogging about how miserable work makes me than i am trying to make it better.
so, now i'm not complaining anymore and look what life hands me. i'm working on labor-day, but the phone has only rang once, and i haven't had to do anything else except sit her, reading schlock online, checking e-mail and updating my blog, and the best part is i'm getting time and a half for it.
life isn't so miserable now that i refuse to care about the mind-numbing monotony that comprises 8 hours of my day.
fuck the capitalist system, the more attention i pay to it, the stronger it gets. i can't ignore it because that would be dismissing something that i truly do think is evil. what i can do though is just barely aknowledge it, much like one might do to an annoying younger sibling while trying to look cool in front of his or her friends.
by the way bevster, i've been meaning to send happy wedding thoughts your way, but have been needlessly bogged down in the seemingly interminable damnation of 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. my thoughts however have been with you as my love for suzanne blossoms into a fully formed "goddamn i can't wait to marry that girl" lily type flower as she has tried to help me through what has been a very trying time for the both of us.
thank god we are moving out on october first. we arrived in san diego on october 14th of 2004, so we will have lived through 351 consecutive days of parentage by the time we finally move into our own place. god bless america.
so, in closing, thanks bevin for posting on my overly dramatic and depressing blog and congratulations on getting married. wouldn't it be funny if i asked you how soon you planned on reproducing?
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